Loneliness is not for the weary

The loneliness of my current life status has begun to sink in. Maybe it’s the second round of 10 days out 4 days home that hit, but for some reason this time it has really struck deep. The melancholy of it all has begun to take hold and the deep seeded depression that just takes over me and becomes a part of me is starting to root itself. It’s not the crippling kind of sadness some people report, it’s the kind of sadness that you learn to function with. It’s the dizziness of the merry go round that doesn’t make you sick anymore. It’s just the acceptance of it that pisses me off. I didn’t choose this loneliness this time. You see, I’m an only child, so being alone is second nature to me. In fact in some ways I thrive on it. But this loneliness is like a chain around my ankle. I can’t change it. I can’t not be lonely . I’m married . I’m in love. I have a family. So, I accept the loneliness as a normal part of my life now. My friends seem to move about around me, forgetting that I’m here because they do not have the shackle that keeps them in one place. This creates another version of my loneliness . A version that just is. A version that can’t change. Feeling dory for myself? Maybe a little, this after all part of my dramatic series, but overall no. I’ve just self realized why the sad heart lately. Why the pretend smiles. Why the longing for more. Longing for more, but I have it all when I see my daughter. Yes, but can I sustain a sane life on my daughter alone ? Is that at all healthy ? Does seem like that may be where this is headed…