Maybe tomorrow I can share my feelings with you. Maybe tomorrow I can get it all out instead of keeping it all in. Maybe tomorrow I can be the one that gets the shoulder to lean on instead of being the shoulder to lean on.
Call me a classic Scorpio, but one thing I am is fiercely loyal. Once you’ve earned my trust, love, and loyalty it’s yours. Usually this is a downfall of mine. I feel deeply. I love deeply. I also hurt deeply. But, years of knowing this I’ve developed a coping mechanism of ignoring deeply. Saying that I’m fiercely loyal means that I’m a friend to the end no matter what. No, I’m not a doormat, I won’t take outright abuse, but I am mature enough to stand beside you through the stormiest of times just to see the tiniest glimpse of sunshine. I do all of this without asking of anything in return. Outwardly. Outwardly I want nothing from you. I am happy to do what I do for you with open arms and an open heart. Inwardly I am wanting the same in return. Not because I’ve done for you and I think you should now do for me, but because I often forget that not everyone is as loyal as I am although I expect that of them. That is where the downfall lies. How can I hold someone to such high expectations that they know nothing about? In reality they’ve done nothing wrong. They’ve not wronged me. They’ve not shunned me. They’ve not hurt me. They also haven’t thought of me as often as I’ve thought of them. They also haven’t listened to be as often as I’ve listened to them. They also haven’t gone out of there way to check on me when they know I’m having it rough as I have them. Does it mean they don’t love me? Does it mean they don’t value our friendship? Not necessarily. And I shouldn’t always expect others to react to situations in the same way that I do.
But, I’m tired. I’m tired of all that is carried on these two shoulders. I’m tired and I have no one to turn to. So it seems. Everyone is busy, everyone is caught up in “I’m gonna do me” and forget about the people around you that care enough to help you “do you”. What about me? Do I get to have a bad day? Do I get to lean on someone? Do I get to finish the conversation? The coping mechanism was developed for situations such as these. Just as I think that I may get things off of my chest and I may get to be the one to “lay on the couch” for a session, something happens and the other person flits off and forgets the conversation. So, broom out, rug up, the feelings get swept under. Nowhere else for them to go. Not enough room on my shoulders any longer. Not enough room in my head much longer.
Yes, I’m fiercely loyal to a fault. A fault all my own and one that I admit to. One that I try to remember not to fault others for and not to see them as having a shortcoming because they are not. My heart is heavy and yet it is open at the same time. I want to love, I want to share, I want to build these relationships. Maybe tomorrow I can make some room….