“Life is a rollercoaster”. “Stop, I want to get off”. “This ride never ends.” Just a few quotes about the thing we all are living called life. My all time favorite that will not go away, thanks to my possibly unhealthy Grey’s Anatomy addiction, is “The carousel never stops turning”. Spoken by character Ellis Grey. It has been replayed and given new meaning on different episodes throughout the 11 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy that I too have been able to keep giving the quote new meaning in my life.
Right now it seems quite literal. Like I’m really on a fucking carousel and it will.not.quit.turning. I can wave my hands at the conductor, scream like a maniac, threaten to jump off when I pass by the bystanders, but it just doesn’t stop. That’s the life part I guess. That’s the good thing. But why does it have to go so fast all the damn time? And what if I didn’t choose to be on this carousel? What if I wanted to be on something a little more suited for my taste like the lazy river at a water park? Sometimes you go through a rapid and other times you go through smooth waters. But this crazy ass carousel is not good for someone with motion sickness like me. Besides. I thought I did get off the carousel when I graduated college and tried trading in my type A personality for something more unwound. Oh wait. That must have been a rollercoaster I was on then. And I don’t think I actually got off. I think I only changed rollercoasters until I got a divorce. So, now I’m on the carousel.
I seemed to be in the lazy river of life for a while. For about 2 years after remarrying and giving birth to the best thing ever. But then my husband lost his job in a crazy way, and I guess someone then gave me a ticket for this stupid carousel. I’ve been on it ever since. Just when I think it may slow down, the conductor smiling like the Cheshire cat only speeds it back up. I may be accepting that I will not ever get off., no matter how many others are standing in line. It started after he lost his job and I became the sole provider for the family for almost a year. Then the speed picked up when I felt as if I was thrown into the decision of him becoming a truck driver and leaving me alone with our then 3-year-old to raise mostly on my own. That speed has stayed pretty consistent because that has been more or less what has happened over the past year.
I could feel the speed increase last June when he left for training with the company he works for now. The vertigo set in and I eventually became numb to the ringing in my ears and unevenness to my walk from the motion. The days spent on the carousel just blur by one into the other as I am in survival mode all of the time it seems like as I took on role of mama and daddy and caretaker of all things. Part of it is my work too. That was never thrown into the “I’m going to be a truck driver” equation. My hours of work are not the best to raise a 4-year-old alone for 11 days at a time ( I know those true single mothers are rolling their eyes. that’s fine. this is my story. my pity party. i can tell it). If only I could find another job that would be better for this lifestyle of living on a carousel. Do I search the DOL for “carousel laborer”? Right now there is nothing but to ride it out. Just keep turning even though I’ve never bought another ticket. Do you think anyone will notice?
I know it sounds like a big crazy mess. Well, that’s because it is. It really, really is. Never in a million years did I think I would be on this carousel. Sometimes, I learn from it and just keep going another turn. Sometimes it really gets to me and I do think I might throw up the next time around. But, the end result is the same. It doesn’t stop turning. And, if you stop to think about it, that’s better than the alternative.