Monthly Archives: November 2015

Where are my underoohs? I just crapped my big girl panties!

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I have come to despise the ever popular “put your big girl panties on and deal with it ” saying. I can attribute my dislike for this mantra  probably because of its overuse in pop culture and its overuse in my immediate family’s vocabulary. You may be thinking, “well, maybe you need to quit whining AND put your big girl panties on!”. Blah, blah, blah is what I say to that in my most mature voice. First off, this is my blog and I will wine if I want to, secondly I will wear whatever panties I want while I do it.

I am just tired of this grown up stuff and these big girl panties. It just keeps coming, even when I think I am getting a break. I am not talking about the normal every day adult stuff like jobs, bills, children, etc…. Those things I can handle. I knew they were coming with the adult world. I embraced them. It is all of the damn curve balls that keep coming at me that I am exhausted from dodging. Just when I think I can put on my footed, fleece pajamas and curl up and relax just a moment it is time for those stupid big girl panties again.

Are their big boy panties? Or big boy underwear? I have never once heard someone say to a man for him to put on a pair. Why is this? I think my husband needs a pair. Christmas list. Check. If I have to wear these things then by golly someone else is gonna wear them with me. I did not sign on for this alone. Can anyone argue that I have not worn these damn panties with the best of them? I am just weary from it. And they are chafing me. I think it is time to share some of the load.

So this is me. This is my blog. This is me taking the big girl panties off, stepping into my underoohs with Wonder Woman on them (because I am still Wonder Woman) and with my hand on my hips I am stomping my feet and I am screaming at the top of my lungs……………………….

Boy, do I feel better.

Another birthday down the tubes….

  
I wrote my first post of the month, That Bull was much more fun than the one I’ve been riding, with much reflection on the month of November. If you’ve read that post you would know despite the month being a great month because I came into this world, it also has held some pretty dark memories too. 

It’s ironic? Maybe that’s the right word. There are birthdays I’ll never forget. And now there are birthdays that I’ve blocked out. 

My sweet Sixteen was a quaint celebration with my closest friends over chili and checkered table cloths. My 18th was a complete surprise at the catering company/restaurant I worked at. My 21st was in Augusta with a group of friends I barely knew but would become family over the next two years. I definitely remember my 32nd. I had recently given birth to the best thing ever. 

My 29th I’ve blocked out. My now ex-husband finally decided he wanted a divorce around that time and it’s all been buried somewhere. My 35th isn’t completely forgotten because it was pretty fun, however it is shadowed with my husband’s job loss. We are now at 37. Wow! I’m pretty sure it will get buried.

What started off as a normal day ended in a jaw dropping turn of events. My husband of course is not home. But I’m used to that. A dear family pet as been struggling for awhile with first, the loss of our pug, and then the life change when her master, my husband, left for the road. Tuesday, my birthday, was her most difficult day. In actuality she suffered “minor” physical injuries that were treated with surgery easily. However, it’s the mental anguish that I worry about and what I came home to that will leave this birthday buried. 

She cut herself. My house looked like a murder scene from a horror movie. Something from The Walking Dead. From one end of the house to the other. Blood. Splatter. Walls. Baseboards. Windows. Counters. Tables. Furniture. Doors. The floor was covered all throughout. The computer was knocked over. My daughter’s bathroom looked like the shower scene from Psycho. It took 2 days to clean.

My husband has no idea. He is in complete denial. If not for my parents I honestly don’t know what I would have done. I want to shake him. 

**The dog is fine. She is in the care of a vet. We are working on re homing her. Please no comments or suggestions on what I can do…..I’ve done everything I can!!! The vet says the dog needs more human interaction than what I can give with my work schedule***

  

That bull was much more fun than the one I’ve been riding

  
Like for most people, the months just go by so fast. We blink and find ourselves two months shy of saying goodbye to another year. It finally occurred to me what month it actually was. November. It is a busy month for most people as it tends to kick of the “official ” holiday season. I myself have several friends with birthdays this month, Thanksgiving, and of course my birthday. But, I realized that November, the month, will become one of those moments that I will always remember. You know, the life changing moments that you can close your eyes and be transported right back to the event? That’s where November will be filed. 

Fortunately I’m blessed in that I don’t have many of these moments. However, the ones I do have are pretty big. The first being the day my first husband came home and said he wanted to move out. I remember the smells. The spaghetti and garlic bread I had cooking in the kitchen. Bourbon and stale cigarettes on his leather jacket. I remember the feel of the couch and the breath leaving my body as he said the words. I remember my heart actually breaking and how that feels. Turns out that turning point in my life would be pivotal in preparing me for the next “remember forever” moment.

Financially things were turning around. My husband and I had just finished paying off our debt. I couldn’t get my husband on the phone. Unusual because we both checked in on our way home due to our commute and we both worked in prisons. Hours went by. I remember the penguin, who recently had turned 3, asking where daddy was. Then he came home. Told me what was happening. Told me that the organization he had devoted 10+ years too in corrections was turning on him. I remember the smell of his uniform. I remember calling my parents, calmly, and telling them I was bringing the penguin to them. I remember the air on my face from the golf cart as my mind races through the check list of what to handle and in what order. I did just that. Handled it. Systematically and stoic. I knew what the outcome would be, but I couldn’t think past moment to moment. 

Unemployment led to CDL school which led to 3 more months of uncertainty. All the while the month of November was fresh in my mind. The events of November resulted in my husband finding the only job he could to once again dig our way out of debt. Debt we encurred while I was busy keeping it together by working and smiling. This job would lead to employment with a wonderful company, but it takes my husband away from his family. 

My husband misses things. We miss things. Some days I’m over it, some days I’m not. I’m not whining or asking for sympathy. This is simply my story, my blog, I can say what I want. I’m emotional and fragile and only keeping it together with tape and glue for the penguin. Well, that and because that first pivotal moment prepared me for just about anything. 

Last weekend I helped celebrate a friend’s birthday. I decided to ride a mechanical bull. It was thrilling and I’m glad I did it. I realized I’ve been riding a mean bull these past 2 years. One that I am not having as much fun on. I’m really tired and worn out from the ride that started in November. November. The month that will always be a memory month for me now.