While waiting on my mama recently to come out of a store, I observed two wasps in a brawl, or mating ritual, I’m not sure which. In either case, one wasp was left the victor and flew away freely while the other suffered a leg amputation and began to hobble around the sidewalk. I continued to watch as I waited, simply because these mundane events of life are calming to my overworked brain, and the injured wasp continued to stumble and eventually ended up in a sidewalk crack. My mama came out of the store about this time and I voiced my condolences to the wasp by offering to “write a witness statement” if needed while my mama insisted I get in the car before someone called the police on the “crazy lady” outside.
In light of recent events, I can relate to the trapped feeling of the wasp. Of course, he may have flew away right after I drove off. But the bugs we trapped in jars as children didn’t always fare so well. No, I’m not dying a slow, airless death. At least not that I’m aware of, but I am trapped. I have nowhere to go. That’s what it feels like. I’ve never felt so suffocated by the lack of choices before. Maybe the lack of realistic choices. That stick put in jars for the bugs….that’s what I’ve got. One end or the other. Neither end really offering an immediate, viable solution. No leaves in sight. I must’ve eaten all those when I was a younger, naive bug and I thought the leaves and air were endless.
Yup, that’s me. A bug trapped in a jar. I can see out, see where I need to be, what needs to happen, but I’m stuck in this jar and I can’t seem to make it happen. Time is running out I fear. I do fear that the time spent being trapped I will miss the meaningful parts of the little bug outside the glass. When I was the younger version, I would have flown away. Now, I fear I reached my peak and I’m stuck in the crack of life.
I’m having one of those weeks. Everything is swirling above me and threatens to topple down and crush me at any second. Yes, I have plenty to be thankful for, as always. But there are times, like now, that the craziness of the past two years seem suffocating.
The carousel of life was circling at a nice pace. My husband and I both had jobs that worked in harmony with one another while raising our then three year old. I was finally getting to a place where I accepted that my “happily ever after” had arrived. We were comfortable.
Then the other shoe dropped. Working for the state, my husband was happy at his job but not moving up the ladder. I voiced my concerns that there was something amiss in the political world of the state job arena and he dismissed me as being overly paranoid. Three weeks later he was put on leave and after another two weeks forced into resignation. No evidence, made up allegations, and a ten year career down the drain. Suddenly not only was I the breadwinner, I became the sole provider for almost a year.
A year passed and my husband found a job, but it takes him away from us. Yes! I know , I know. He has a job. I get it. But I’ve turned into a single-but-not–single-mom. My job has become a problem because of the hours I work. Now I’m not able to give out now 4, almost 5 year old the attention she so desperately needs and most defiantly deserves.
There it was. The news. The same person that instigated the resignation of my husband on the screen being arrested and charged. It occurred to me, my life, and the domino effect, the debt, my anxiety, my feelings if inadequacies as a mother, my husband being “taken” by the road…..all of this is because of that bald headed man in that orange jumpsuit on t.v.
Im here for a few reasons in the blogging world. One would be the oh so popular exercise and fitness journey blog that has yet to begin it seems. Another would be because I just have so much in my head that sometimes I have to get it all down. I would like to have followers and build my blog with normal mothers who can relate to my “not PTO material” shanigans as a mom too. So, I know it seems to be a bit all over the place, but there it is.