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I made a decision

I realize my post earlier today was short and puzzling. That is okay. But, I have made an astonishing decision while watching T.V., which for some reason I tend to think a lot while doing. Part of the reason I could not seem to connect my thoughts to paper earlier is my depression and anxiety. But, I am trying something new to see if it works.

Acceptance. I am going to accept that I am on a carousel of cleaning, laundry, etc and move on. I know it sounds weird, but I have been stubbornly fighting it ever since I became a stay at home mom. “What do you think housewives do?” You ask? Well….I’m not saying I thought I should never clean, but I guess I really thought it was more balanced. I know, delusional. I have been causing myself the anxiety by fighting it all this time. I must accept that I am now Cinderella before the ball and there is no glass slipper in my future.

The glass slipper in this case would be my anxiety going down, having more patience which will lead to a happier home life. This may seem delusional too. Maybe it is? Maybe I’m hungry and my blood sugar is low and I’m not thinking clearly. Who knows? Really at this point I’ll give it a try though. I really have to relax. I don’t mean sitting around, I mean mentally , and if that means just accepting that I am to clean up behind everyone and take care of everything then I’ll give it a whirl. My body cannot take much more of this constant stress and anxiousness.

So, here we go. Acceptance.

I’m baaack…….sort of?

Well, old friend, it sure has been awhile. I have no idea where the time has gone or the pen or the paper. No excuses for why I haven’t written. I have tried to keep every little detail, every memory tucked away in a special folder in my mind and heart. But, it sure does feel good to have the keys below my finger tips and hear the tapping of them in my ears as I pour out the song of my heart from the last year of mountains and mole hills.

I have joined the class of women I often have blogged about before. The women who get to exercise at 6:30 in the morning. The women who go to their children’s school events. YES, those women. I am that woman now, that mom. I joined the stay at home mom club back in May 2018. There was no ceremony, no pinning, no certificate even. Just a miserable job, a discussion over bourbon with my husband, a 2 1/2 month notice -that turned shorter thank you JESUS– and then one day I just became a stay at home mom. I dropped the penguin off at school in my pajamas and I picked her up in my pajamas. I’m not going to lie. There was only two weeks left of school at this point. Wait a minute, actually, the first week she continued to go to after school care so I picked her up around 5:00 in my pajamas. That’s right, that’s why I didn’t get the certificate, because I didn’t start running at 6:30 a.m. right away.

Sarcasm aside, as much as I can push it away anyhow, I am not going to gush about how I love being a stay at home mom. Don’t get me wrong. I do love being a stay at home mom. But not exactly for the reason that I expected or that other SAHM might love about it (I don’t know for sure what other SAHM take away from it so please no hate comments). The one thing I know is that I am grateful for my husband that he heard my cries of anxiety and unhappiness in the workplace. I am grateful that he has a financial plan in his head that allows me to do this at this time of our child’s life that is so crucial. Whether I worked or not, he would still be driving a truck for at least another three years only coming home about 1 1/2 days a week. As parents we felt the need to have one parent be more focused on the penguin inside the home and I DO realize what a blessing this is. So please don’t ever mistake my sarcasm for me taking anything for granted.

Full disclosure. I just deleted 2 more paragraphs I wrote.  My heart has quit singing and my mind has closed off the folders. There is no more for the keys to tap out today.

You can’t always win

As the penguin 🐧 and I “Raced” 🏁 to get dressed this morning, she would say “I’m going to win”! Then she saw me with my shirt 👚 half on putting on deodorant and said “NO CHEATING!”. I asked, “putting on deodorant is cheating?” “Yes!” She says. I replied in my usual dark and twisty mother of the year way, “you need to learn how to loose” 🤦‍♀️ 

The penguin replied, “oh I know how to loose”

“Do tell me your story of loosing that Lifetime will make a movie 🎥 about ”

“Loosing means you don’t win. You can’t always win”…

Well, there you go….

The Penguin tells me why I’m not a cool kid

Well, you know that I care nothing about being a cool kid. Never did, never will. I definitely don’t tell the Penguin about being cool, except for in the sarcastic way this conversation went this morning. But, it is alarming how even at age six she has some understanding of  cool vs. uncool.

We were discussing the pop socket I have on the back of my phone. You know, that really stupid gadget that is making someone a fortune because it is the latest thing to have. I guess I fall prey to propaganda, and I love gadgets! 

Penguin: I like this on the back of your phone. What is it?

Southern Belle: It’s called a pop socket, its what all the cool kids have (sarcasm oozing)

P: Ms. Sarah and Ms. Summer have one of those on their phone, but it doesn’t look like yours.

SB: Okay

P: Mama, you can’t be a cool kid (looking up at me like the emoji SMH should be above her head)

SB: Why not? (Very indignant, yet humorous)

P: Because you don’t wear a hat, cool kids wear hats

SB: Uh? Cool kids wear hats?

P: Yes, daddy can be a cool kid because he wears a hat

SB: Where did you learn this rule?

P: Dylan, he says cool kids wear hats. Sometimes they even wear them backwards 

Now, I’m the one with the face palm emoji above my head.

#southernbelleoncaffeine

The dust never settles

I guess I’ve gotten somewhat used to change in the last three years. Maybe I’m better at it at times than others. The schedule changes. The last minute “I won’t be home until tomorrow ” changes. Maybe I have just accepted not to expect or rely on anything constant. So, maybe I haven’t adjusted to change, I’ve just accepted there is nothing to rely on.

Yes, here I am. The cynical, smart ass Southern Belle you came to love. I have tried to hide that too. The cynicism. But, sometimes it proves to be too much and it overflows. 

The dust is stirred up on our dirt road as he drives in off the road. But, thinking about what we do with the short time he is home….

I don’t think the dust has settled from the trip down the dirt road home when it’s time to drive away again.

Miss Lauren, the Aggravated

This is my penguin’s pre-k teacher. She is the BEST. What a wonderful response to a difficult day……with 5 year olds 🙂

Miss Lauren, Pre-K Teacher

image

“Please lay down.”

“Please stop touching that.”

“Please just wash your hands and stop playing in the water.”

“Keep you hands to yourself, honey.”

“Stay in line, darling.”

“You have 5 seconds to move away from that table.”

“We don’t say potty words, kids!”

“We don’t do that, guys.”

“Let’s chill it out a bit, dudes.”

“Please don’t talk during nap time.”

“No, seriously. Please don’t talk during nap time.”

“NO, SERIOUSLY! PLEASE DON’T TALK DURING NAP TIME!”

I have repeated these phrases so much today that I’m going to outlaw them from my vocabulary. I’m so tired of hearing myself say them, honestly. Surely, the kids that hear them are tired of them too. Oh, wait, that’s not true, because they would actually have to be listening to hear them! Why are they all deaf?! What’s the deal with them today!? Where are my angels and who is responsible…

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The SB guide to those 5 things…

  
(http://moneysavingmom.com/2015/04/5-things-you-should-every-single-day-even-when-life-is-stressful.html)

A friend shared a blog post from Money Saving Mom titled 5Things You should Do Every Single Day-Even when life is Stressful. I read with an open mind, but I still ended up on the floor laughing. Please understand, I AM NOT MAKING FUN OF THE WRITER or her ideas!!! I simply find them hilariously funny when trying to apply them to my real, every day life. 

I also understand that there are some people who live real lives that follow these, my mother is one. I just can’t seem to find the sanity to fit these 5 mundane things into my already over stretched day. I have enough trouble making sure everyone is fed to worry about some of this other stuff. 

So here it goes. My take on the  5 Things You should do every single day…. 

1. Write a Short to do list

I suggest no more than 5-7 items on your to-do list each day, otherwise, you’re probably setting yourself up for defeat and frustration.

Yeah, um, so the small OCD tendencies that I have left screaming to be let out really do like this one. But, the borderline crazy, hanging on by a thread person that’s taken over is laughing. My to do list consist of work, pick up penguin, sleep, work. If I’m lucky a load of laundry may get done but that isn’t because I don’t right it down. 

2. Make your bed 

Truth be told, this is something I’m still working on myself. However, I’ve been much more committed to making this a priority after watching this video. (Yes, go watch it. I’ll wait for you!)

Honestly, I didn’t watch the video, so I may be missing out on an earth shattering reason as to why I should. Truth be told I like a good ole made up bed. However, it’s not practical. The penguin sleeps in the bed until I pick her up asleep at 5:00 am to take her to the car. So, waking my 5 year old to make a bed is not an option.

3. Get Dressed in Something That Makes You Feel Great

Working at a prison on a medical floor makes this difficult too. Scrubs, scrubs, and more scrubs. But, on a positive note I have started to assecorize my eyeglasses. The weekends I make an effort but I can’t think straight and I just want to get out of the house. Plus I am making sure the penguin isn’t dressing in 5 layers. This one I am working on.

4. Do one Load of Laundry From Start to Finish

This one I actually do. When it’s just me and the penguin. Then my husband comes home with his eleven days worth and it creates a huge problem. Then the problem becomes one that I don’t want to deal with. So this one is more stubbornness then anything. 

5. Keep your kitchen clean

I can do this by not cooking! And we eat oatmeal, cereal, yogurt. We rinse out our cups or use disposable. But then of course the husband comes homes and starts competing for the Next Top Chef and all hell breaks loose. 

So, it’s mostly true. Even for someone as crazy as me that that’s 5 things can be done. Maybe not to the perfection the author suggest, but to the level your comfortable with.

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