The loneliness of my current life status has begun to sink in. Maybe it’s the second round of 10 days out 4 days home that hit, but for some reason this time it has really struck deep. The melancholy of it all has begun to take hold and the deep seeded depression that just takes over me and becomes a part of me is starting to root itself. It’s not the crippling kind of sadness some people report, it’s the kind of sadness that you learn to function with. It’s the dizziness of the merry go round that doesn’t make you sick anymore. It’s just the acceptance of it that pisses me off. I didn’t choose this loneliness this time. You see, I’m an only child, so being alone is second nature to me. In fact in some ways I thrive on it. But this loneliness is like a chain around my ankle. I can’t change it. I can’t not be lonely . I’m married . I’m in love. I have a family. So, I accept the loneliness as a normal part of my life now. My friends seem to move about around me, forgetting that I’m here because they do not have the shackle that keeps them in one place. This creates another version of my loneliness . A version that just is. A version that can’t change. Feeling dory for myself? Maybe a little, this after all part of my dramatic series, but overall no. I’ve just self realized why the sad heart lately. Why the pretend smiles. Why the longing for more. Longing for more, but I have it all when I see my daughter. Yes, but can I sustain a sane life on my daughter alone ? Is that at all healthy ? Does seem like that may be where this is headed…
How do you begin to communicate when your time together had gone from 24/7 to maybe 24 in one week? That 24 is spent playing with the child he’s missed, sex he’s missed, washing clothes, sex he’s missed, but not communicating . Even trying to talk of the day to day activities of our lives is interrupted by a spilled cup or too much ketchup on the plate. No adult conversations here . Grateful? Sure, I’m grateful for the paycheck and the ability to pay these bills that we both got ourselves into. Resentful, you bet your sweet ass I’m resentful! This isn’t the life I wanted . “Oh, quit whining”, you say, “people with cancer didn’t choose that “, you say. I get that , and that’s not what I mean. What I mean is in the beginning, before we even really dated I laid it on the line that I was not built to be a army wife, or any wife that had to go it alone a lot. So, here I am, 5 years after that conversation going it alone because he wouldn’t take my advice about what was happening at his job and got fired . Whew! That may be the first time I’ve said that out loud . Now, I know this door that opened is a much better opportunity and these are just growing pains , but ma do they hurt. I hate having to use the 24 hours every wrk for a discussion if adult things. Why can’t I just be glad to see him instead of vomiting all that has built up inside of me all week long? Communication, or not? I guess for now it seems not …the signs are all over. Just like the art center that got lived because we hadn’t talked abut it being where it is being much more conducive to our way of living during the week. Communication, or not?
Baby Penguin’s with fever are no fun! They are whiny, clingy, and just overall miserable. Which in turn makes you miserable. Not only because as a mom you want oh make it all better but as a somewhat single mom it is exhausting ! My hats off to the real single moms with no family to help. I am blessed to have retired parents VERY nearby (translation:we share land) to help in times like these . And yes, other times being that close can be trying but it’s during sick penguin times that you realize how lucky you are . So….pumpkin latte in hand, my day off, penguin back at monster school …fingers crossed
4th birthday bash a success! Really the only one she’s had since her first. Almost 25 kids showed up, just enough cake and only one pizza left!! I can’t say I’m any to refer than usual. The upside…pumpkin spice creamer
Yes, it’s a holiday. No, I don’t have to work. But yet I’m still the one up this morning with the penguin. Husband is home until later tonight. Why am I up? Why isn’t he up? Wish I knew. He stumbled out here a few moments ago holding his head with a headache. Really? Never mind the large ice pack on my back. Never mind that because of the thunder the penguin slept with me, translates into slept on me, and I couldn’t get my leg/hip in a comfortable spot. Complaining? Maybe. Thinking? Yes.
Mondays are the worst. Can never get enough caffeine or sleep to make Mondays worth their while.
I hate having to “play it again”. I’m tired of always starting the same song and dance over. One would think after so many replays I would get it right once. I’m hoping to. I’m tired if starting over. I’m tired of the weighing , just one more time. The measuring for the last time. I can see wha I want . I just have to maintain that image. Don’t want to start again