Tag Archives: #mama

Am I the ringmaster or the monkey?

This morning I was trying to take a bath and shave my legs before someone thought I was an extra for a Wookie. The penguin was sitting on the edge of the tub, Tommy was standing at the edge scrolling on his 📱. I asked “when you are in a mental institution, are there this many people watching you all the time?” Of course in my most sarcastic tone. Tommy replied, “yes, especially if you have a razor”. OMG! Somebody please help me. I’m in a cage.

#southernbellegoingcrazy

#southernbelleoncaffeiene

Numbness 

  

Some days the numbness just takes over. It’s usually when I think things are going better. When I’ve had those “lightbulb” moments in a bathroom and I thought I could see the light. That’s when the light just either just stays in place or fades away again. I continue to function. I continue to love my penguin. But the rest? The rest just doesn’t phase me.

The questions I ask at the end of these days are simple. Does the penguin feel loved? Does the penguin feel secure? Has she been fed, clothed, cared for, and is in bed next to me? If I can answer yes to those questions then when I look around at the other stuff I feel nothing. I am completely numb about my situation. 

I am numb that my husband was used as a scapegoat in a larger corruption case and now he is away from me most of the time. I have no desire to wash clothes. It’s not laziness, it’s really not. I’m not lazy. I go to work at 4:00 am. I just feel nothing else besides taking care of her. My feelings, my needs have all gone away.

Maybe it’s just the mother instinct. Maybe it truly is a problem. I know it is resentment. Resentment that has turned me into a smiling “yes, dear” robot. What else is there? Nothing will change. I’ve talked, cried, screamed, all until I’m blue and his stupid pride wins every time. 

And my numbness just sinks back in…..

Just a thought

 A friend of mine recently shared a blog post from Scissortail Silk titled “Only Good Mommies”. It touched on a subject that I talk about ALL the time amongst my friends and it sort of goes back to one of my earlier blog post, “Being a Woman is Hard Enough“.

I am genuinely overwhelmed by the number of mothers who put on such a show that their mothering skills are above the rest. Maybe they are? Maybe, even as a a southern belle I missed the mark on raising children and these Stepford Wives, as I like to call them, have it all figured out. Seriously? Just because you have four perfectly coiffed children and I’m over here with one child with a tu-tu and rain boots does not make you THE Expert on motherhood.

This is one of those women things that deserves more honesty. Being a mother is hard work. Getting out of the house in one piece with children is an Olympic sport. I’m tired of the mothers who act as if it’s no big deal. Admit you just gave your kid those Oreos instead of the organic apples you want us all to believe. These are the same mothers that leave the house without one ounce of formula or spit up on them or a cheesy finger print. I call BS!! Impossible!! Now, they may care more than I do and turned around and changed, but then how are they always on time? I convinced this is close to the moonwalk conspiracy as far as motherhood is concerned.

Give it up already. Looking that put together all the time with all of those children is not easy. Just be honest. It’s hard work and it’s not for all mothers. But just because I choose not to doesn’t make me any less of a mother. I focus on the here and now. The “hold me” moments that I will not get back instead of mascara. The “mommy chase me” instead of the platforms. That’s what I choose. Just to be a mom. Not a put together one at all. A frenzied, on the verge of a breakdown at any moment, REAL mom.

The stupid, never ending, turning, carousel

 

The Carousel Never Stops Turning

The Carousel Never Stops Turning

“Life is a rollercoaster”. “Stop, I want to get off”. “This ride never ends.” Just a few quotes about the thing we all are living called life. My all time favorite that will not go away, thanks to my possibly unhealthy Grey’s Anatomy addiction, is “The carousel never stops turning”. Spoken by character Ellis Grey. It has been replayed and given new meaning on different episodes throughout the 11 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy that I too have been able to keep giving the quote new meaning in my life.

Right now it seems quite literal. Like I’m really on a fucking carousel and it will.not.quit.turning. I can wave my hands at the conductor, scream like a maniac, threaten to jump off when I pass by the bystanders, but it just doesn’t stop. That’s the life part I guess. That’s the good thing. But why does it have to go so fast all the damn time? And what if I didn’t choose to be on this carousel? What if I wanted to be on something a little more suited for my taste like the lazy river at a water park? Sometimes you go through a rapid and other times you go through smooth waters. But this crazy ass carousel is not good for someone with motion sickness like me. Besides. I thought I did get off the carousel when I graduated college and tried trading in my type A personality for something more unwound. Oh wait. That must have been a rollercoaster I was on then. And I don’t think I actually got off. I think I only changed rollercoasters until I got a divorce. So, now I’m on the carousel.

I seemed to be in the lazy river of life for a while. For about 2 years after remarrying and giving birth to the best thing ever. But then my husband lost his job in a crazy way, and I guess someone then gave me a ticket for this stupid carousel. I’ve been on it ever since. Just when I think it may slow down, the conductor smiling like the Cheshire cat only speeds it back up. I may be accepting that I will not ever get off., no matter how many others are standing in line. It started after he lost his job and I became the sole provider for the family for almost a year. Then the speed picked up when I felt as if I was thrown into the decision of him becoming a truck driver and leaving me alone with our then 3-year-old to raise mostly on my own. That speed has stayed pretty consistent because that has been more or less what has happened over the past year.

I could feel the speed increase last June when he left for training with the company he works for now. The vertigo set in and I eventually became numb to the ringing in my ears and unevenness to my walk from the motion. The days spent on the carousel just blur by one into the other as I am in survival mode all of the time it seems like as I took on role of mama and daddy and caretaker of all things. Part of it is my work too. That was never thrown into the “I’m going to be a truck driver” equation. My hours of work are not the best to raise a 4-year-old alone for 11 days at a time ( I know those true single mothers are rolling their eyes. that’s fine. this is my story. my pity party. i can tell it). If only I could find another job that would be better for this lifestyle of living on a carousel. Do I search the DOL for “carousel laborer”? Right now there is nothing but to ride it out. Just keep turning even though I’ve never bought another ticket. Do you think anyone will notice?

I know it sounds like a big crazy mess. Well, that’s because it is. It really, really is. Never in a million years did I think I would be on this carousel. Sometimes, I learn from it and just keep going another turn. Sometimes it really gets to me and I do think I might throw up the next time around. But, the end result is the same. It doesn’t stop turning. And, if you stop to think about it, that’s better than the alternative.