Who knew Chick-fil-A could be a fine dining experience? Take a Penguin with you and you will see. Despite the intermittent play breaks it still takes her a good thirty minutes to even eat her food. Plus she must decide the difficult decision of keeping her treat or turning it in for ice cream. There are list involved sometimes.
During one of these visits while she pondered life across from me, I just couldn’t help but smile. Smile and thank God for this opportunity that my husband was giving me to be a stay at home mom with her. I was immersed in her conversation while at the same time so delighted not to be at a workplace. I could feel the freshness and weightlessness of the genuine moment we were sharing.
“It’s weird I like these cherries, I mean , I didn’t always like them.”
“Okay, and then what happened?”
“But, I drink cherry coke, and that’s cherry…..so, I don’t know”
I’m just smiling from ear to ear.
She flips her hair.
“Was my hair like this when I was five”?
Then I just laughed and was so thankful I had not missed a moment of what just happened.
I just cannot believe the “light bulb” went off. The plan was figured out. The weight was lifted. All in a prison bathroom. Not in a Orange is the New Black or OZ prison bathroom kind of way. I actually work in a prison.
*Yeah, who knew? When everyone supports “throwing the book” at someone, those same people fade away and forget you have to have people like me to take care of those the “good” have punished. Ahem, I digress. Another rant, another post, another day.*
After a year of tears and trying to find the light in all of this, I may have finally figured it all out. I don’t need to have a mid life crisis and go back to school. I don’t need to find another job that won’t support my family. I need my husband back. I need my family back.
No, I don’t need a husband to complete me, but family is important to me. Before the events of 2 1/2 years ago that got us here, our little family was thriving. We were in a nice, smooth groove. That’s what I want back. My family. The three of us at home together.
We’ve spent the last year debating if the trucking job is worth it. Then we decide to prolong it so I can go back to school. Prolong it so I can find a job that pays less. But just when we thought it was settled I went to the bathroom Tuesday at work.
I want another job because there is no one here for the penguin. That wouldn’t be so if trucking was over. I wanted to go back to school to start a new career to find a new job. All because I’m just looking for something. That something is right in front of me, well every so often any way. We just need a way to get him home. There I was in that prison bathroom and it occurred to me. I keep my job. He keeps trucking until Summer 2017 and we stay on the outlined budget and he can come home then. No school, no lower paying job, nothing to keep him out any longer. All of this from a prison bathroom.
This will not be a long post. I am coming out of a week long hibernation courtesy of an awful sinus infection. However, after the important conversation with the Penguin this morning, I did feel it was important to address this important topic. Fairy tales and magic.
As an adult I may have become slightly jaded to the idea of the White Knight. But, I will not let the 5 year old penguin loose out on the innocence of believing in such things. The conversation started because I offered to use “mommy magic kisses” to help an ant bite not sting . The penguin replied, “magic isn’t real”.
Pause. Gasp. Hand on my hips as the door to the mini van was automatically sliding closed, I find myself shouting, “you have to believe in magic. Magic and fairy tales”. The door is closed and I continue my speech as I climb in the driver’s seat.
“Why don’t you believe in magic? You have to believe. What about Cinderella?”
“Cinderella not magic mommy. The fairy godmother ….”
“And what do you think the fairy godmother uses?”
“What about Elsa, and the ice?”
“Okay, so you believe in magic”
“Yeah, I guess you are right”
Whew. My heart is relieved. She will learn the truth soon enough. I don’t want to keep her “little” or “innocent” forever as it may seem. But she is 5 years old!!! She is supposed to be little and innocent. In a world where everyone is in a hurry for everything, it is my responsibility as her mama to make sure she believes in fairy tales and magic. There is no need to hurry this.